Holding On to Your Teen
As our kids become teenagers, it can sometimes feel like they need us less.
They spend more time with friends. They want more independence. Conversations can get shorter. Doors may close more often. And sometimes parents wonder: Do they even want me around anymore?
The book Hold On to Your Kids by Gordon Neufeld and Gabor Maté offers an important reminder: our teenagers still need a strong connection with us—even when they don't always show it.
Adolescence is naturally a time when peers become increasingly important. But friends aren't meant to replace parents as a teen's primary source of safety, guidance, belonging and unconditional acceptance.
Holding on doesn't mean holding them back.
It means staying connected while allowing them to grow.
It can look like driving them somewhere even when they could take the bus because that's when they actually talk to you. Sitting beside them while they show you something you don't really understand. Inviting them to come along even when you're pretty sure they'll say no. Keeping family traditions. Listening before giving advice. Repairing after an argument. Being interested in their world without interrogating them about it.
And sometimes, it means continuing to reach for connection when your teenager seems to be pushing you away.
When parenting a teen feels hard
Teenagers are navigating friendships, school pressure, identity, independence, social media, relationships and enormous emotional and developmental changes.
Parents are navigating something too: how to stay close while gradually letting go.
That balance isn't always easy.
Conflict can become repetitive. Communication can break down. Parents may feel like they're constantly nagging, while teens feel criticized or misunderstood. Eventually, everyone can become stuck in the same cycle.
This is where parenting counselling can help.
Parenting counselling isn't about finding out who is doing parenting “right” or “wrong.” It can give parents a place to understand what's happening beneath their teen's behaviour and find new ways to respond.
Counselling can help parents:
Strengthen connection with their teenager
Understand what's underneath anger, withdrawal or defiance
Communicate without every conversation becoming an argument
Set healthy boundaries while preserving the relationship
Respond to anxiety, ADHD, emotional dysregulation or school struggles
Reduce power struggles
Repair after conflict
Navigate increasing independence
Create more opportunities for genuine connection
Sometimes the most meaningful change isn't getting your teenager to behave differently.
It's changing the relationship around the behaviour.
Your teenager may be growing up. They may want more privacy, freedom and independence.
But underneath all of that growing up, they still need to know you're there.
Keep inviting them.
Keep listening.
Keep repairing.
Keep finding small moments of connection.
Keep holding on.
Lakeside Clinical Counselling offers parenting and family counselling in Kelowna, BC, including support for parents navigating the teenage years, parent-teen conflict, anxiety, ADHD, emotional regulation and family communication.