Grief is one of the most difficult experiences we go through. Whether you've lost a partner, parent, child, friend, or someone else important to you, the impact of that loss can reach into nearly every part of your life.
For some people, grief comes in waves. There may be moments of sadness, anger, guilt, or loneliness, followed by periods when life feels relatively normal.
For others, grief can feel overwhelming or impossible to move through.
You might find yourself replaying the final moments of someone's life, thinking about things you wish you had said, or struggling with memories that feel just as painful as they did when the loss first occurred.
You may understand that your loved one is gone, but emotionally, part of you still feels stuck in what happened.
While grief is a natural response to loss, sometimes the distress associated with particular memories or experiences can make grieving especially difficult.
For some people, Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) therapy may help.
What Is EMDR Therapy?
EMDR stands for Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing. It is a structured psychotherapy approach originally developed to treat post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).
EMDR helps people process distressing memories that continue to trigger intense emotional or physical reactions.
During EMDR therapy, a trained therapist guides you through recalling aspects of a distressing memory while using bilateral stimulation, often through guided eye movements, alternating taps, or sounds.
The goal is to reduce the distress associated with the memory and help the experience become integrated into your broader life story.
EMDR has strong research support for PTSD. Research into its use for grief-related difficulties is still developing, although it may be helpful in certain circumstances, particularly when a loss involves traumatic experiences.
Importantly, EMDR is not intended to erase memories, remove your love for someone, or make you stop grieving.
Instead, it may help reduce the emotional intensity of distressing memories so that remembering your loved one becomes less overwhelming.
When Grief Feels Stuck
There is no correct timeline for grief.
Some people experience intense sadness for months or years. Others find that their grief changes over time but never entirely disappears.
This doesn't necessarily mean anything is wrong.
However, sometimes grief becomes intertwined with particularly distressing memories, beliefs, or unanswered questions.
For example, you might find yourself:
Replaying the moment you learned someone had died.
Feeling overwhelmed by memories of their final days or moments.
Experiencing persistent guilt about something you did or didn't do.
Avoiding reminders of the person because the emotions feel unbearable.
Struggling to accept the circumstances surrounding the death.
Feeling stuck on unanswered questions or things left unsaid.
Experiencing intense distress when reminded of the loss.
These experiences can be part of grief, particularly following a recent or difficult loss.
When they remain intense and significantly interfere with daily life, additional support may be helpful.
Why Do Certain Memories Feel So Painful?
Imagine someone whose parent died after a long illness.
They may have years of loving memories together, but when they think about their parent, the first image that comes to mind is seeing them in the hospital during their final days.
Rather than remembering family vacations, conversations, or ordinary moments together, their thoughts repeatedly return to the most distressing part of the experience.
Or consider someone who lost a loved one unexpectedly.
They may find themselves replaying the phone call when they received the news, remembering exactly where they were standing and what they felt in that moment.
For some people, these memories continue to trigger intense emotional and physical reactions long after the event.
EMDR therapy may help process the distress associated with these experiences.
The hope is not to forget what happened, but to make room for a wider range of memories and emotions.
Your relationship with someone is so much more than the circumstances of their death.
Can EMDR Help With Guilt After Losing Someone?
Guilt is a common experience in grief.
You might find yourself thinking:
I should have noticed something was wrong.
I wish I had spent more time with them.
What if I had encouraged them to see a doctor sooner?
I shouldn't have said that during our last conversation.
I should have been there.
Sometimes, these thoughts involve things we genuinely regret. Other times, they reflect the tendency to look back with information we didn't have at the time.
After a loss, it's natural to search for explanations or imagine how things might have turned out differently.
For some people, these thoughts become persistent and deeply distressing.
EMDR therapy may help individuals process memories associated with guilt, helplessness, or self-blame, particularly when these feelings are connected to traumatic experiences.
Therapy can also help explore the difference between responsibility and regret.
You may wish something had happened differently without being responsible for what occurred.
What About Grief After a Sudden or Traumatic Death?
Losing someone unexpectedly can be particularly difficult.
A death involving an accident, suicide, violence, medical emergency, or other frightening circumstances may involve both grief and trauma-related symptoms.
Someone may be grieving the person they lost while also struggling with intrusive memories, nightmares, avoidance, or a persistent sense of danger.
In these situations, treatment may need to address both the loss itself and the traumatic experiences surrounding it.
EMDR is an evidence-based treatment for PTSD and may be considered when a traumatic loss has resulted in PTSD symptoms.
A therapist can help assess whether trauma-focused treatment, grief-specific therapy, or a combination of approaches would be most appropriate.
Can EMDR Help When You Never Got Closure?
Not every relationship ends with the opportunity to say goodbye.
Sometimes, someone dies unexpectedly. Sometimes, a relationship was complicated, and important conversations never happened.
You may have imagined that one day you would reconnect, resolve a disagreement, receive an apology, or finally understand why something happened.
When that person dies, the possibility of having those conversations disappears.
This can create a particular kind of grief, one that involves not only the loss of the person but also the loss of what might have been.
You might be grieving a relationship you had hoped would improve, an apology you never received, or an understanding you never had the chance to reach.
Counselling can provide space to explore these unresolved feelings.
When specific memories remain especially distressing, EMDR may be one approach to consider.
However, therapy cannot provide answers that are no longer available or create closure on someone else's behalf.
Instead, it may help you develop a different relationship with the uncertainty, sadness, or pain you continue to carry.
Does EMDR Make You Forget the Person You Lost?
This is an understandable concern.
Sometimes, people worry that feeling less pain means they're moving away from the person they loved.
They may feel guilty when they laugh, enjoy themselves, or notice that a memory no longer makes them cry.
For some people, grief becomes closely connected with the feeling of maintaining a relationship with the person who died.
But remembering someone and experiencing intense distress are not the same thing.
You can continue loving and remembering someone without every memory needing to feel unbearable.
EMDR doesn't erase memories or the emotional significance of a relationship.
When treatment is helpful, it may allow people to remember difficult experiences with less distress while continuing to honour the relationship and its importance.
Is EMDR Right for Everyone Who Is Grieving?
No. Grief is not a mental health disorder in itself, and not everyone who is grieving needs therapy.
Even intense grief can be a natural response to losing someone important.
For many people, support from family, friends, community, and time to adjust may be enough.
Others benefit from grief counselling that focuses on understanding emotions, adjusting to life after loss, maintaining meaningful connections, and finding ways to move forward.
EMDR may be considered when grief is accompanied by particularly distressing memories or trauma-related symptoms.
For people experiencing prolonged grief disorder, grief-focused psychotherapy has more established evidence than EMDR alone.
A qualified counsellor can help explore your experiences and recommend an appropriate approach.
What Does EMDR for Grief Look Like?
EMDR therapy begins with understanding your experiences, current concerns, and goals.
Your therapist will explore the circumstances of your loss, how you've been coping, and whether particular memories or situations are causing significant distress.
Before processing difficult memories, your therapist may work with you on emotional regulation, grounding strategies, and developing a sense of safety.
If EMDR is appropriate, treatment may focus on specific memories or beliefs associated with the loss.
For example:
A distressing memory of receiving the news of someone's death.
A frightening experience during a loved one's illness.
A persistent belief such as "I should have prevented this."
Feelings of helplessness associated with the circumstances of the death.
The pace of treatment is individualized.
You don't need to rush through your grief, and you don't need to be ready to discuss every painful experience immediately.
Moving Forward Doesn't Mean Moving On
One of the most difficult parts of grief can be the expectation that we should eventually move on.
People may mean well when they encourage us to focus on the future or return to normal life, but grief doesn't always work that way.
For many people, healing isn't about leaving someone behind.
It's about learning how to carry the loss while continuing to live.
You may always miss the person who died. Certain anniversaries, songs, places, or life events may continue to bring sadness.
That doesn't mean you haven't healed.
Over time, grief may become something you can experience alongside other emotions, rather than something that overwhelms every part of your life.
Sometimes, therapy can help create space for that process.
Grief Counselling and EMDR Therapy in Kelowna
At Lakeside Clinical Counselling, we understand that grief is deeply personal.
There is no single way to grieve and no timeline that everyone should follow.
Whether you're struggling with the loss of a loved one, difficult memories surrounding a death, unresolved feelings, or changes in your life following a loss, counselling can provide a supportive space to explore your experiences.
Our team offers counselling in Kelowna, including trauma-informed approaches and EMDR therapy.
If you're curious about whether EMDR may be helpful for your grief, a counsellor can work with you to explore your needs and determine an appropriate approach.
You don't have to navigate grief alone.
Visit Lakeside Clinical Counselling to learn more about our services or book an appointment online.
Grief doesn't have to disappear for life to begin feeling meaningful again.